Your Guide to Cocktail Parties 4: The Apocalypse is not a competitive sport

Red Pears and Teapot
S. Shawcross / Oil on hardboard /16 x 20 / $275
Be sure to visit our painting blog: http://thedeadpearsociety.blogspot.com

This weeks feature video: We've hit the 7 billion mark in population. Here's a celebratory video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hooid1LJ9Kc

The Louis Saga Continues: Bidding on the 1,500 word essay "Tell Me about the Rabbit George." Signed, hand-bound limited edition of 1 continues: $93.17 G.R. Chelsea Monday, October 31, 2011 Bidding closes midnight Friday, December 2, 2011 To bid send an e-mail to nevermind07@sympatico.ca To follow the initial story see my July post on the right ----------->

"I wish I could do this forever, I can't though." --Andy Rooney



This week's column was published in the West Quebec Post Summer 2011.

Your Guide to Cocktail parties: Part IV
The Apocalypse is not a competitive sport

You're prepared now right? You've been following my columns and now have your handy list of the seven reasons for everything and the even handier list of how to make a graceful exit while attending cocktail parties when you've made a dreadful faux pas.

I guess you think people won't remember how you suggested that cats and rabbits can breed and these crabbits, being such prolific breeders, are going to destroy the entire world's crop production by 2013. This for heavenssakes is why I created the list of seven reasons for everything! Here are the seven reasons for everything: 1) Shifting Poles 2) Global Warming 3) Global Cooling 4) Teenagers 5) New World Order Depopulation Efforts 6) Pollution 7) China. Do you see crabbits anywhere on that list? Of course not! Why didn't you say China! Everyone would have understood. You could have blamed crop failure on teenagers! There would have been murmurs of deep agreement.

Oh what's the use! I try. But really, if you don't listen to me then why on earth am I doing this anyway!? It's all for your benefit. It's certainly not doing me any good doing all this work for you to just sally on out to cocktail parties ill-prepared with all your own ideas. Do you think I'm being paid enough to deal with such difficult people as yourself!? Not on your life. And what about my reputation? Did you think about that? No. No. You just had to go out there with your silly unscripted diatribes! Well... I guess you've learned your lesson now haven’t you! Anyway... Don't forget the list the next time.

Now, that being said, I guess I'd say you've been hiding long enough now and it's high time you got back into the cocktail scene. If people ask you about the crabbits, just say that teenagers made you say that. They will all understand.

There is one thing I've not yet covered so pay attention. All cocktail party conversations are about the Apocalype. It’s just the way it is and if they aren’t you must gently steer the conversation in that direction. It’s the right thing to do. The only problem that may crop up is that during conversations many people, particularly males competing for the attention of the females, often get into dueling matches over who knows what when it comes to extinction level events. My advice is stick to your list! Do NOT wander away from your seven reasons for everything. If the women at the party do not recognize your good sense for suggesting that New World Order Depopulation efforts are causing financial instability in the world markets then they weren't worth the effort. Do not get into arguments about solar flares and how the Hadron Particle Accelerator is a precursor to the Second Coming. Nobody will believe you even if it's all true. Such verbal sparring is simply gauche. Don’t go there.

Oh I know. The truth is always stranger than fiction. Just because some guy has impressed the gathering with his declaration that giant underground burrowing squid are causing earthquakes, typhoons and volcanic eruptions does not mean you need to interrupt with the truth. Maybe you and I both know that purple reptilian people from the planet Nibiru disguised as humans and living among us and whose homebase is deep beneath the Arabian Sea have called in the mother ship to destroy us all with gamma x-ray radiation so that they can harvest the plastic from China... well... maybe “we” know that but I guarantee you, spouting such truths will cause everyone to suddenly find a reason to look for the hors d'oeuvres table. This is not good and it may mean you have to pull out your list of how to make a graceful exit. Again!

Now I don't think I have to tell you this again but I will. Do not start repeating your list of graceful exits. People might be somewhat dense but they're not THAT dense. You can only set off the fire alarms so many times before they stop inviting you. Suffice to say, if you've reached this point there's not a lot I can do for you. You'll have to change cities and start the cocktail party circuit all over again. I hear the cocktail parties in Farrellton are excellent. Now it won't all come to this if you simply remember that the Apocalypse is not a competitive sport. Write that down.

Privates Sector Growth

Rest
S. Shawcross / Oil on hardboard /18 x 24 / $120

Be sure to visit our painting blog: http://thedeadpearsociety.blogspot.com

This weeks feature video: Sometimes it's important just to laugh and nothing else.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w

The Louis Saga Continues: Bidding on the 1,500 word essay "Tell Me about the Rabbit George." Signed, hand-bound limited edition of 1 continues: $93.17 G.R. Chelsea Monday, October 31, 2011 Bidding closes midnight Friday, December 2, 2011 To bid send an e-mail to nevermind07@sympatico.ca To follow the initial story see my July post on the right ----------->

This week's column was published in the West Quebec Post, October 19th, 2011. It's a little bit irreverent but the scientists make me do this. Really they do... I've changed the names to protect the guilty here.


PRIVATES SECTOR GROWTH

My dear Dr. T.W. of the University of H.,

May I call you Ted? Of course I can. This is because, in having read your research paper published in July entitled "Male organ and economic growth: Does size matter?" I believe I've become more than intimately familiar with you, on a purely academic level of course. Such language used in your paper certainly bridges the distance between strangers wouldn't you say? I imagine you've received many many letters from strangers since your paper was published. One cannot print things such as "The aim of this paper is to fill a scholarly gap with the male organ," without expecting some distinctly interesting feedback.

My letter of course is different. In fact, I have no interest whatsoever in the topic of your research, at least at the economic level and feel instead, that I must help you address some perhaps delicate matters. I sometimes tend to forget that there are indeed people in the world, scientists even, that are actually "not" familiar with my Institute for the Rehabilitation of Misguided Scientists. Of course it's not just for scientists. Just last week I had a real breakthrough with an engineer working for CIMA who had, without any apparent self-awareness, no control over his freudian slips when announcing himself at meetings. "I'm Jean, from semen," he'd say. Poor poor man. He was just disabled with humiliation. I taught him how to macrame. It took many many months but I have to say, the man is changed! He no longer works for Semen but he's on his 134th hanging pot holder. And he's very very happy indeed. But I digress...

My dearest Ted--your nights must be very long indeed. How can you possibly be sleeping well after discovering that "countries that averaged smaller penis sizes grew at a faster rate than their larger counterparts between 1960 and 1985." Oh you poor poor man. Some things, I always say, are not meant to be discovered. Indeed some things are better left to the murkiness of mystery. Imagination after all has a place. But of course it is understandable to some degree that you felt a deeply intense urge to bring some exuberance into the fertile fields of economics. Economics is, after all, acknowledged to be deadly boring and populated by mostly men who never got over their teething experience. Even still, as you say in your paper, "the male organ hypothesis put forward here is quite penetrating an argument."

When I read that "every centimeter increase in penis size accounted for a 5 to 7 percent reduction in economic growth," my heart simply went out to you. How miserable you must be, there alone in your bed with perhaps only your penis to keep you company and naturally, the bags of gold coins under the bed. Am I right about that? Now, there's no need to feel ashamed. I've dealt with many such persons as yourself. It's not like "everyone" would be so observant--I just happen to have a knack for these things. Rest assured, your secret is very much safe with me.

It is interesting how you conclude your study by suggesting that "penile length and income are both factors that contribute to an individual's level of self-esteem, and if a person has more of the former, he'll need less of the latter." As I've often found with many of you scientist types, you are one inch away from diagnosing yourself but have yet to, may I say, make that special thrust to enlightenment.

My dearest Ted, why did you feel such a need to completely discount the entire female gender in your studies? Why, in other words, do you hate your mother?
And how would you account for this sudden economic decline in North America? Surely something like that would be in the news? I mean, millions of men suddenly funding their private hedges?

If you would like to discuss this further, or perhaps make a generous donation to the Institute for the Rehabilitation of Misguided Scientists, please feel free to contact me. Would you agree that even a rich man with a small penis deserves some happiness in this life? I look forward to your reply, S. Shawcross

Origins and Origami

LOOK FOR MY NEXT ENTRY OCTOBER 31st! I'm on vacation! Yay!

















A couple of days late this week. It's been a busy thanksgiving!!

Les toits sous la neige (d'apres Caillebotte)
S. Shawcross / 30" x 36" / Oil on canvas / $795
Be sure to visit our painting blog: http://thedeadpearsociety.blogspot.com

LOOK FOR MY NEXT ENTRY OCTOBER 31st! I'm on vacation! Yay!

This weeks feature video: Sometimes only George Carlin will do when you're just annoyed at the world. This classic piece discusses class distinctions and what really makes us all equal. It's the little things. Isn't it always? WARNING: Carlin is deeply disrespectful and has very colourful language. Be well advised if you are easily offended.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILwOQV32rHg

The Louis Saga Continues: Bidding on the 1,500 word essay "Tell Me about the Rabbit George." Signed, hand-bound limited edition of 1 continues: $91.00 Wednesday, August 24, 2011 Bidding closes midnight Friday, December 2, 2011 To bid send an e-mail to nevermind07@sympatico.ca To follow the initial story see my July post on the right ----------->

ORIGINS AND ORIGAMI
CURRENT COMMENTARY: What a good sport Dr. D. was in the publishing of this piece. He said he was pretty much used to the ribbing he has received and approved the copy for publication. This piece was published in the West Quebec Post.

My dear Dr. D. of the Southwest Research Institute:

Hello. I am pleased to be writing you as I feel I may be of some service to you.

As I understand this, correct me if I am wrong, you have conducted experiments by hoisting up into the air with 40-foot cranes, two 2,800 lb granite balls which you proceeded to smash together in order to “test whether the coefficient of restitution would be the same across a wide spectrum of ball sizes, verifying current asteroid models.” In other words, I believe you smashed the balls together to see what they would do.

This “to see what they would do” concept of course, is understood by us lay individuals to be the prime motivating force for the activities of all scientists. It is how that is manifested which becomes important. That is why I am writing to you.

Now it would appear most of the press coverage you have received thus far has deeply titillated reporters who are apparently delighted to write extensively about the size of your balls. Not to mention the references to asteroids, Uranus and their possible derivatives. I don’t want you to feel bad about this, as most scientists of your most high calibre have no clue what nefarious things reporters can do with a turn of the tongue and a twist of a phrase. Nor I imagine do you realize what they mean when they say you had big balls to do what you did. I realize as a scientist that you live on a higher intellectual plain than we and this is certainly understandable given that you probably understood high-school calculus and this fact alone left you no alternative in choosing a career. Understanding calculus is not your fault. We understand.

But never mind all that. The thing is Dr. D., you could have used square pieces of granite, even rectangular, octepussal or polygamous bits of granite. I say this because I believe it is understood that after the creation of the Universe most of the bits and pieces mucking about in the vast nothingness were not actually round initially. Asteroids in fact seem to be rather lumpy and irregular in shape. They are not spheres in other words in nature so the question (the seemingly innocent question) would be: why, if you were attempting to duplicate conditions in space in order to test your theory… well… why did you have to use balls and indeed such big big round smooth balls to conduct your experiment?

In my effort to help scientists such as yourself I have created a Society for the Rehabilitation of Misguided Scientists. I don’t mean to brag of course, but just so you know, I believe with my help many many scientists have taken up needlepoint and given up their foolish experiments. They are much happier than the engineers doing macramé so I know how happy you might be.

Most of the individuals I have helped are indeed not as smart as you and so I don’t believe I need spell it out for you. Here is a hint: what do large balls and the creation of the universe have in common? I think you know. The big big smooth balls were simply representative of your pursuit of learning what happened in the Big Bang. You might not be aware of the colloquial use of that term but it’s a dead away about your particular “issue.” You see, many male scientists have not figured out that they are men first, and scientists second. In order to repress your need to experience the Big Bang, you not only created big big balls but then bashed them together. This is not healthy way of doing things.

I know you must be amazed at my diagnostic capabilities. What can I say! Now you must not be shy. It happens to the best of men. Not that there are many who have actually manifested their sublimated sexual needs in quite such a grandiose fashion, but if we search hard enough there have been some I’m sure. In other words, you are not alone… I don’t think. Well… Maybe you are “somewhat unique” but it doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. Please don’t hesitate to write back.

Sincerely yours,
S. Shawcross.