Saturday, November 5, 2011

Your Guide to Cocktail Parties 4: The Apocalypse is not a competitive sport

Red Pears and Teapot
S. Shawcross / Oil on hardboard /16 x 20 / $275
Be sure to visit our painting blog:

This weeks feature video: We've hit the 7 billion mark in population. Here's a celebratory video.

The Louis Saga Continues: Bidding on the 1,500 word essay "Tell Me about the Rabbit George." Signed, hand-bound limited edition of 1 continues: $93.17 G.R. Chelsea Monday, October 31, 2011 Bidding closes midnight Friday, December 2, 2011 To bid send an e-mail to To follow the initial story see my July post on the right ----------->

"I wish I could do this forever, I can't though." --Andy Rooney

This week's column was published in the West Quebec Post Summer 2011.

Your Guide to Cocktail parties: Part IV
The Apocalypse is not a competitive sport

You're prepared now right? You've been following my columns and now have your handy list of the seven reasons for everything and the even handier list of how to make a graceful exit while attending cocktail parties when you've made a dreadful faux pas.

I guess you think people won't remember how you suggested that cats and rabbits can breed and these crabbits, being such prolific breeders, are going to destroy the entire world's crop production by 2013. This for heavenssakes is why I created the list of seven reasons for everything! Here are the seven reasons for everything: 1) Shifting Poles 2) Global Warming 3) Global Cooling 4) Teenagers 5) New World Order Depopulation Efforts 6) Pollution 7) China. Do you see crabbits anywhere on that list? Of course not! Why didn't you say China! Everyone would have understood. You could have blamed crop failure on teenagers! There would have been murmurs of deep agreement.

Oh what's the use! I try. But really, if you don't listen to me then why on earth am I doing this anyway!? It's all for your benefit. It's certainly not doing me any good doing all this work for you to just sally on out to cocktail parties ill-prepared with all your own ideas. Do you think I'm being paid enough to deal with such difficult people as yourself!? Not on your life. And what about my reputation? Did you think about that? No. No. You just had to go out there with your silly unscripted diatribes! Well... I guess you've learned your lesson now haven’t you! Anyway... Don't forget the list the next time.

Now, that being said, I guess I'd say you've been hiding long enough now and it's high time you got back into the cocktail scene. If people ask you about the crabbits, just say that teenagers made you say that. They will all understand.

There is one thing I've not yet covered so pay attention. All cocktail party conversations are about the Apocalype. It’s just the way it is and if they aren’t you must gently steer the conversation in that direction. It’s the right thing to do. The only problem that may crop up is that during conversations many people, particularly males competing for the attention of the females, often get into dueling matches over who knows what when it comes to extinction level events. My advice is stick to your list! Do NOT wander away from your seven reasons for everything. If the women at the party do not recognize your good sense for suggesting that New World Order Depopulation efforts are causing financial instability in the world markets then they weren't worth the effort. Do not get into arguments about solar flares and how the Hadron Particle Accelerator is a precursor to the Second Coming. Nobody will believe you even if it's all true. Such verbal sparring is simply gauche. Don’t go there.

Oh I know. The truth is always stranger than fiction. Just because some guy has impressed the gathering with his declaration that giant underground burrowing squid are causing earthquakes, typhoons and volcanic eruptions does not mean you need to interrupt with the truth. Maybe you and I both know that purple reptilian people from the planet Nibiru disguised as humans and living among us and whose homebase is deep beneath the Arabian Sea have called in the mother ship to destroy us all with gamma x-ray radiation so that they can harvest the plastic from China... well... maybe “we” know that but I guarantee you, spouting such truths will cause everyone to suddenly find a reason to look for the hors d'oeuvres table. This is not good and it may mean you have to pull out your list of how to make a graceful exit. Again!

Now I don't think I have to tell you this again but I will. Do not start repeating your list of graceful exits. People might be somewhat dense but they're not THAT dense. You can only set off the fire alarms so many times before they stop inviting you. Suffice to say, if you've reached this point there's not a lot I can do for you. You'll have to change cities and start the cocktail party circuit all over again. I hear the cocktail parties in Farrellton are excellent. Now it won't all come to this if you simply remember that the Apocalypse is not a competitive sport. Write that down.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Great! thanks for the share!