What is Kindness? 

In this tumultuous world we have only kindness to rely on: one individual to another. We are the other person and they are us. Some people know this instinctively. They are the kind that go into burning buildings, treat Covid-19 patients, serve the public during a pandemic, race to help downed protestors. These are rare and cherished people. 

I'm thinking that the great challenge in charity, kindness and love for many is the doing of it without expectation of return. Someone I know said that they didn't think that possible—that the act of being kind makes people feel good so it is selfish in that way. And I say, every good parent in the world knows all about giving without expectation. I'm not learned enough to know all the philosophical thought that goes into this argument on altruism. I can only write here what I ponder. I don’t write this because I am perfect in any way shape or form. We are all creatures on a learning curve. We will all in our lifetime need the act of loving kindness. We are only human. I give this not in judgment but in observation.

IMHO, If you find you are being kind and expecting all sorts of behaviour and recognition and gratitude and indebtedness or (pathologically) control in return, look to yourself first. Did you really give so that "you" could feel good? Or did you give so that the “other” could feel good? Some would argue it is done for both and boom--there is the expectation. What if they are not able to be happy or grateful? What if they have nothing to give you back, emotionally, financially, or otherwise? Would you still give? Kindness has no expectations. What if they reject you, mock you, misjudge you, deceive you, take advantage of you? Kindness is not judgment but it requires discernment. Protect yourself.

Do you give to increase or create your self-worth? True giving comes from a place of self-worth.  True giving is the by-product of self-worth. You will find yourself tangled up in many situations if all your worth comes from giving—ever dependant on the outside to create your inside. Do you give at your own personal expense in hope of worth? This is not wholeness but desperation for validation. True unfettered kindness comes from wholeness and is inevitable if not instinctive.

Do you give so that you can control the outcome? I know some people who will not give money to beggars on the street because they will spend it on drugs or alcohol, they conclude. So your judgment of their behaviour dictates your kindness. What is it to you what they do with what you give them? Some may buy a sandwich for a friend. You cannot know nor should you care. It is that very act that separates the people who give with judgment and those who give out of instinctive kindness. So some put their money in a slot machine for charities that care for street people. They will, it is concluded, ensure proper behaviour and needs met. Kindness with judgment is not charity. It is an act of charity but not necessarily a kindness. 

Do you give because you judge them lesser than you? As a way in effect to prop up your own sense of self as separate and above? Do you give so that you would look good to others? Or because it is trendy? Do you make all sorts of promises in front of others but never follow through? This happens frequently on social media platforms where "looking" good to others rather than actually "acting" good in real life becomes very obvious to those whom promises are made. It is best not to promise what you cannot give. 

Do you "always" give through a proxy, a charitable group, a Go-Fund me campaign so that in fact you do not face the humanity or cause you are helping? Do you do this for photo shoots to prove you are a good human? Such hands-off giving can be argued is better than nothing but it fails the giver in failing to fill the heart with any form of fellowship with humanity. Do you insist it is because you have no time? There is always time for person to person kindness. It is the lifeblood of being human. Yet there are people who, themselves broken, seem incapable of empathy and perhaps it is best they outsource their charity to those who understand others pain. Those are the people who give for charitable tax write-offs usually. They did their duty. They can be seen as kind. It is the best that they can do. 

Do you give because it is proscribed by your religion, your duty to family or by profession? Then you may be working from the outside in. You are a human being and not the role you play. Search your heart for truth and you will find it.

Do you give and find yourself complaining and growing bitter with the challenge? The onerous burden? The ingratitude? You have lost the reason why. Giving is not easy and it never was and it is often tedious. Kindness demands beyond the self. If you cannot reconnect to why you are being kind, best withdraw if tired rather than push on into a dark place where you feel only tiredness and judgment.

The greatest kindness is given without much fanfare and a humbleness of spirit. A recognition of the inequity of life that puts you in the position to do such acts for a fellow human being or a cause. The greatest kindness thanks the recipient for the gift they have given you. The very best kindness goes unseen; requires no gratitude. Kindness—one to another—despite class, race, age, nationality, ideology, religion or gender, is the only solution to a very troubled and divided world.

These trying times seem like we’re in it for the long haul and many people are going through some very traumatic things. When in doubt, be mindfully kind. It can’t hurt. A community committed to kindness is a force to be reckoned with. Nobody is perfect but we can try. Everybody is doing the best they can. Take care of the caregivers. Be at peace. It will all eventually work itself out. You are not alone and never have been. Nurture each other. IMHO