Sunday, May 27, 2012

Best Columnist in Quebec!

Pretty in pink - flowers from my garden

This week's video:   irresistible-existential-french-cat-funny-video

I'm very pleased indeed to announce that I have won the Best Columnist  
in Quebec by the QCNA.

I'd like to express my gratitude for all those concerned and most
particularly the ones who make their way through my
convoluted humour and indulgent rants. Perhaps you all deserve the
award ? Thank yous always to my editor Lily Ryan and the West Quebec
Post. Illness alas prevented me from attending the gala but i imagine
it was a sight to behold! That's not what caused the riots is it?

This week's piece:

Oh the blackfly! The blackfly! Such discussions these days. I thought
I'd add to the ditties and poetry. Have a great week everyone!

The Black-Fly Effect

Now when Christopher Columbus supposedly “discovered” America, he is
said to have remarked that he had, through Divine guidance, found
Paradise itself. From this we can only conclude one thing: the man did
not arrive in the Gatineau Hills during black fly season. Had that been
the case, we in North America might never have gone on to establish
settlements nor invent the automobile and its insatiable need for fuel,
the price of which is presently making us all cranky leading some of us
into futile random driving patterns searching for a cheap gas station
thereby defeating the whole purpose of saving money on gas inevitably
leading us all to sit morosely on the back deck wondering if we’ll ever
be able to retire to a recreational vehicle for a grand tour of the
Grand Canyon before we get too old and crotchety.

This whole scenario is typical of the black fly.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that the price of gas
has nothing whatsoever to do with the black fly and cannot, in fact, be
blamed on the black fly which, being small, stout-bodied and
hump-backed with broad wings and short legs, should be in fact, much
more pitied than blamed. Don’t be silly. There are 1250 species of
black flies in the world and 110 of them can be found in Canada alone.
But here in North America, not one of the bloody things showed up long
enough to send Columbus back from whence he came convinced he had
discovered hell rather than paradise.  This is because black flies,
being nefarious, will only show up when you are sitting morosely on the
back deck bemoaning the price of gas. I think its because they prefer
blood on the bitter side and have been known to avoid all happy people
just as a matter of course. That is just my theory which has not yet
been put to the test because the number of raving-eyed positive
thinkers who have read “The Secret” are becoming few and far between
given the state of the world today and the impending invasion of Iran,
so I’ve not been able to gather together enough of them in the back
yard during black fly season to test my theory. Alas.

This of course, is what I was thinking when I went out to the garden
just last week to look at the dog-strangling vine which is insufferably
lush this year. Much like the black fly.

We know that this is the worst season for black flies since 1971
because we have scientists who study such things for a living. They
know things that we don’t know… For example, in Algonquin Park maximum
attack rates of the black fly Simulium venustum on humans, in June,
have been recorded at 78 flies/6.5 of skin/min (landing rate)
and 17 flies/6.5 (biting rate). The mind boggles. This is
precisely why I’ve established my Society for Protection and
Preservation of Scientists whose sole purpose is to teach Scientists
needlepoint who, given that the entire free world is being held hostage
to high gas prices, could actually do something more constructive than
standing in a field near a pool of water wearing a dark-coloured thong
and perfume in order to commune with black flies. Unless of course,
they happen to be young good-looking Spanish scientists, in which case
something constructive could come of it, as long as I have my
binoculars and a large net. However, I digress.

Save blood and gas. Don’t go out.


Anonymous said...

Dear Sylvia,
Just read your Pumpkin Banana Pie etc, etc, on Canada Writes, so I had to stop by and leave a comment. Great story. Good Luck.

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