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Frog 2 of 3 in series
/ S. Shawcross / 8 x 10 / Oil on canvas / $100 or all 3 paintings for $275
Be sure to visit our painting blog: http://thedeadpearsociety.blogspot.com
This weeks feature video:
Oh Bathroom humour... where would we pee without it?
CURRENT COMMENTARY: This column was written in 2005 at the height of the green movement and its migration into Chelsea--then heralded as a model green community world-wide. It is very doubtful it retains that title now with the loss of land and habitat to construction. Ironically the council that accepted awards for their "green efforts" at the same time were laying the foundation for its demise, now encouraged by our new council. The construction continues unabated. The new green residents brought significant change to Chelsea which I began to address in my "Countryfolks Guide to Chelsea" columns. Of course as they say, "you ain't seen nothing yet" when it comes to change in Chelsea. Chelsea, either by design or indifference or both, will soon become "the kind of place everybody wanted to escape from by moving to Chelsea." The irony of the Universe never ceases to amaze. This column was the first on the theme. Enjoy.
MUCH ADO ABOUT DOO DOO
Confusion sometimes happens when country-folk are suddenly confronted with the whole new set of rules brought here to Chelsea by city-folk looking for a country-folk lifestyle.
For example, the dos and don’ts of doggie doo-doo. This is a new situation for country folks who usually had better things to do with their time than following their dogs about with baggies. Having something better to do with their time will soon be a distant memory for country-folks who are learning now how to keep up with the neighbors which is a very time-consuming activity.
Yet, even country-folk turned suburbanites will want to be good citizens in preparing for what’s coming, so here is the question: should the collected doo-doo be put in the recycling, garbage or compost bin? Some people use doggie doo-doo as fertilizer in their gardens. (Dedicated gardeners that they are.) But surely most won’t want to be using raw doggie doo in their gardens unless legislated to do so. Of course, most people flick the doo-doo into the woods but even this is destined to be a problem: if “everybody” flicks their doggie doo into the woods…
Some bring it home and flush it down the toilet. Now willfully bringing a bag of doggie doo into the house may make some people squeamish. Not because they’re actually carting around a pocketful of doggie doo but the mostly because living in Chelsea they know plastic bags are not recyclable. Most conscientious people committed to green lifestyles usually re-use their plastic bags or they use paper or cloth ones. Using paper bags, particularly on the days when Fido has eaten too many prunes, just doesn’t make sense. And its not a very pleasant idea to put these types of paper bags in the recycling bin for some poor person at Chelsea’s new recycling depot to have to sort through. How pleasant would that be? And washing out the equivalent of cloth doggie-diaper doo-doos… Well… really… We “have” to be realistic about this.
Now this still leaves us with washing out plastic bags that once held doo-doo. How do green lifestyle people live with this apparent contradiction? What can be done? Is creating a landfill site and filling it with doggie doo-doo bags our only solution? It seems inevitable. Since that is bound to happen we can probably leave the doo-doo in the bags and put it in the garbage bin. How sad all this is. There just isn’t any other answer is there? But wait, maybe there is a solution to this whole problem of doggie doo-doo.
Apart from creating a doggie doo-doo septic waste treatment plant that would cost a lot of money or putting recyclable diapers on Fido, we may consider shipping our doggie doo to the third world. (Or course, we’ll need an additional bin labeled “merde”) We can help fertilize parched fields and they can create their own landfill site of plastic bags. They’re overpopulated there as it is so they can’t possibly disagree with adding more land. Instead of teaching English we could teach third worlders how to follow first-world suburbanites (or their dog-walkers) around with shovels and buckets. They’ll be much more likely to get landed immigrant status if they have a useful skill. And now a delicate topic… Unfortunately over there in the third world some communities have been known to eat dogs; mostly because of cultural norms but sometimes just because they’re starving. We’ll have to enact a by-law to prevent them from doing this here because we need these dogs to provide the doo-doo for all this important activity.
Now… about used kitty litter. Opening the door and letting the cat out is something country-folk do. Now you need to use something called kitty litter. But that’s for the next chapter maybe when we discuss castrating Cedrick the cranky barnyard tomcat.